This past weekend, I was on a road trip to Moab, UT and on the car
drive down, one of the company asked the questions (mostly as a joke) “What is
everyone’s deepest darkest secret?” This made me start thinking. For the most
part, I don’t really have any secrets. I’m pretty much an open book. But then I
realized that there was something that most people probably don’t know about
me. Something that I DEFINITELY keep from people that I go on those ever so
rare dates with. Then all of this wonderful #YesAllWomen stuff came up, and I
started to wonder, WHY? Why am I not open about this like I am about anything
else? And I suddenly realize that I was ASHAMED. I almost never feel shame for
anything (because I’m really good at rationalizing away guilt. Probably should
work on that).
So, what is this secret? I've decided that it’s time to let
it out. Let the world know and just deal with the consequences.
I am 27 years old, and I have never been kissed. Actually, I've
never held anyone’s hand in a romantic way, and I've never been on more than 2
dates with the same guy. But for clarity’s sake, I’m just going to focus on the
NEVER BEEN KISSED.
There are hundreds of voices out there telling me that there
is something fundamentally wrong with me. I can’t watch a TV show or movie or
look at the cover of a women’s magazine or browse internet articles without
having it shoved in my face that in order to be a fully confident and grown
woman, I need to be making conquests, and fulfilling my sexual desires left
right and center. Heaven forbid there be a confident grown woman who doesn't
want this! Maybe I want to find a solid, emotionally strong, respectful and
equal relationship before the physical relationship gets underway.
I recently picked up the movie ‘Never Been Kissed’ with Drew
Barrymore, from the $5 movie bin at Walmart. I hadn't seen it in years, and
thought “This could so be me! I look like I could be in high school, and I've
never been kissed!” Ready to finally find a protagonist that I could actually
relate to, I watched the movie again. It was entertaining, in your classic
romantic comedy sort of way. But as far as living up to its title? Falls grievously
short.
For someone who in all actuality, literally, has NEVER BEEN
KISSED, I was more than a little annoyed. First off, as the Drew Barrymore
character states: “I've kissed guys, I just haven’t felt that ‘thing.’” And goes
on to explain how she imagines a ‘real’ kiss should be. Who would believe a
movie about someone who actually had never been kissed? Crazy talk!
If you don’t know the movie, its premise is that she was an
uber nerd in high school, referred to as ‘Josie Grosie’ and therefore never fit
in. She goes back to High School, undercover and blah blah blah, things happen.
THIS. This bugs. The pervasive idea that to have had healthy teenage and high
school years, you need to be out there kissing boys (or girls), and exploring
your sexuality or you are just missing out. You are abnormal. That if you aren't
getting kissed, etc. then you are some sort of ‘Josie Grosie’.

Why? I felt ASHAMED. My once confidence, was slowly chipped
away at by outside opinions and expectations. Even aside from the voices in the
media, is the culture I’m surrounded in. I grew up in a religious and
conservative societal group. I myself am still very religious and I guess you
could say that I’m right center leaning. Even with this backdrop, where sexual
promiscuity is generally frowned upon, there is still a STRONG emphasis in
finding a spouse and starting a family. So dating, kissing boys, finding your
perfect man, that is what is expected. Don’t get me wrong, I would love nothing
more than to find someone to have a strong relationship with, and to have some
adorable and challenging children. I really do want this. So far, however, the
cards have not dealt me this life.
So I try to find happiness and fulfillment in the life that
I do have, but I cannot go more than a month without hearing over the pulpit in
church that it is my duty to be working toward finding a husband. That if I’m a
good little girl, it will eventually work out. That I should be flirting more
and making sure those guys know that I am just waiting to be swept off my feet!
I don’t want to discourage guys from asking me out, but being overly
flirtatious is just not me. Thus, the result of my having never been kissed.
I could go into the reasons (shyness, stubbornness,
awkwardness, social expectations, etc) but that is not what I am concerned
about. I know that at least 50% of the problem here is myself. I don’t expect
the perfect guy to drop out of the sky and just be persistent enough to win me over.
I have things to work on, and believe me, I've heard every explanation:
“You just need to flirt more.” (Oh, thank you for telling me
what my personality should be. That’s nice.)
“You’re just too intimidating.” (Right, I’m waaay better
than all other women.)
“You’re so amazing, guys are afraid to date you because they
will have to commit.” (Suuuure. And all the girls who are currently dating guys
are just mediocre? Not even close.)
“You just need to be good and kissed.” (Don’t get me started
on this one.)
“It’ll happen as soon as you stop looking.” (Believe me, I've
tried that one.)
“Maybe if you got drunk, you’d let loose a little.” (Maybe
for you, but not for me.)
And many many more. All of these comments have come from friends and loved ones
I know they are only motivated by love and concern. The problem is, they just
perpetuate the problem. The feeling that I need to be ‘fixed’. Or that men are
not good enough for me (this will need to be discussed at a future time, I don’t
have the energy to tackle this misconception right now).
Fortunately, people don’t generally ask about my ‘dating
life’ very much anymore. I think there is a general wariness to ask a single
girl over the age of 25 about her dating life, in the fear that she will start
crying or something. I’m not complaining, there’s less awkward conversations on
my part, but SHEESH!
Here is the TRUTH: there is nothing fundamentally wrong with
me. Yes, I have numerous flaws, but the fact that I have ‘Never Been Kissed’
does not make me a malfunctioning human. It doesn't mean that I am or was a ‘Josie
Grosie’, or that I will never find, happiness, fulfillment and love. It means
that I am me, and my life is different from your life, and your life is
different from your best friend’s life, etc.
I guess what I really want, is for other women and girls,
men and boys to stop worrying about holding themselves up to a sexual or social
standard. Don’t let others (though there are many) shame you into thinking you
are less of a person, or an undesirable partner because of your experience
level.
Please comment if you have similar thoughts. I feel like I’m
alone out here, but I know there must be others. Share this post if you think
it share worthy.